It’s about 2200 and I’m about to go into Baltimore on a bus.
I’m wearing shorts and a hoodie. My phone and card are securely tucked into my sports bra. Shoelaces tight. Knife at my hip.
I’m not sure what bus I’m gonna take. All roads lead to Rome as far as I’m concerned.
I feel like I have electricity flowing under my skin. All this other shit in my life doesn’t matter right now because I might have to pay out the ass. These actions could have serious repercussions, and they’re all I care about right now. It’s do or die. No time to think about passing classes, renting an apartment, landing a job… Michael.
Time to focus and get my head in the game.
I think about all the good stuff in life I don’t want to miss. I’m going up to Boston at the end of this month and I’m really looking forward to that. One of my sorority sisters invited me to a barbecue thing that has cornhole (I suck so bad, but I wanna get better). Soft serve ice cream with Matt. Back cracks from Abe. Bullshitting with Alex.
According to this bus tracking app, I have about fifteen minutes before the bus makes it to the stop.
My final destination is in Pigtown. Sam’s house.
Me: Hey, I’m coming over.
Sam: …. Are you running here?
Me: You know me too well. Just make sure you’re by the door so if I knock you can let me in right away.
Sam: You’re fucking stupid and reckless. I’ll come pick you up.
Me: No. I’ll be there by midnight. I’ll see you on the flip side.
If I don’t post something in the next day or so, assume I died.
“I don’t think I should take things that make me lose my mind.”
“Don’t think of it like that… Think of it as losing your stresses.”
I almost took the plunge. And then my mom called. I swear that woman knows when I’m about to make a stupid decision.
I took four bottles of water and walked to the edge of the desert.
Four days later there was something on the local news about a body being found in the sand not far from where I had stood.
Close call. Thanks, Mum.
I graduate this winter… as long as I don’t royally fuck up. I’m taking summer classes, 20 credit hours in the fall, and a winter class to get the hell out of dodge.
I need to look for a job and a new place to live before I get that diploma. I’ve never looked for apartments save for on-campus housing, and most of the jobs I’ve held were very hush-hush, under the table sort of deals. No 1098 forms for me. I bet the IRS is onto me now.
I’m scared. How do people seem to grow up so easily? These people have smooth moves like they downed a bottle of Ex Lax. I’m walking through adulthood like I have an umbrella up my twat!
Everything seemed pre-planned in my life up until now; there were definitely guidelines. It could go in a number of directions now. It’s liberating but so, so frightening.
I think what’s really getting at me is the possibility of my having to move away from the people I’ve built relationships with. The little brothers, Alex and Abe, my sisters, Ellie, Kelsey, and Timi, my crew teammates… Michael.
I’ve been uprooted quite a bit… and it hurt every time.
Please, please, please.
Let me stay.