God Pissed On Me

As the title suggests, I got pissed on… but not really. There was a huge flash flood in the area I work, Old Ellicott City, Maryland. My work place had waist-deep water in it, and it didn’t just rush in from the outside. Water pretty much came up through the floor and everything! It was kinda spooky and gross once I remembered that the coffee shop used to be a funeral home and the bodies were embalmed in the basement. Icky, ancient dead body juices! GNARLY! Fortunately, I got the hell outta dodge before the flood happened. The road turned into a water fall around 2000; I left at 1930.

There’s a reason why the city is called OLD Ellicott: the place was built around the 1800s. Cobblestone roads with buildings that are hundreds of years old aren’t uncommon on Main Street. Yeah, the flood showed just how old and unstable the city is. Nobody outside of the rescue and clean up crews is allowed in the area because of unstable foundations and gas leaks.

With all that being said, I’m out of a mother fucking job. I’m currently applying to different part time gigs until my “real job” starts in September. I figured since I have some experience with ships/boats/racing shells, I’d apply for a job on a boat in Baltimore. I’ll see how that goes~

My buddy Derek also said he’d see if he could put in a good word for me at his physical therapy job. That’d be cool too. Work in a clinic or at a job where I can pretend to be a pirate and sleep overnight on a fucking boat? Tough call.

Lawd, help me…

Tree Doctor

Outside of my window are two trees that look like shit.

I dated a tree doctor for a bit over the summer and I wanted to see him work his magic. He put a wad of chewing tobacco in his mouth and got down to business.

He went to a branch, snapped a twig or two, and dug around the roots.

“These trees aren’t very healthy. They’re not getting enough water. You can tell from the way the branches snap, and the dirt around the base of the tree seems too arid.”

I’m looking at the trees. One still has its red leaves of autumn, the other barely has any leaves.

Son of a bitch actually knew what he was doing.

BEHOLD! The fucked tree! No amount of rain can save it now.


The worst part about rain is short people with their umbrellas. 

And the fact it seems even the weather is against me. It’s a reflection of my emotions. Cloudy and tearful. 


In other news I have a doctor’s appointment today. I imagine my doc will order a range of labs and try to get me nekkid on one of those tables with stirrups. A breast examination will follow to determine if my tits will fall off, and I’ll have to answer a barrage of questions regarding my mental health and sex life. 

How would you describe your mood as of late?

Are you fucking me? Sad. Sad as a kid who accidentally let go of his balloon or dropped his ice cream cone. I’m in a slump but I’ll manage.

Are you sexually active?

Shit. How do I answer that? I was, but I probably won’t be for a while.

He’ll prescribe me pills for both situations. “These will make you a hollow shell but you’ll look happy so you’re not a nuisance to everyone. This will lower your inhibitions, and inviting all manner of horny vermin into your bed will seem like a good idea. You won’t feel better, but I have to give out drugs to make it look like I’m doing my job. Nice tits.”

Dolly Parton said, “If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.” 

Well it’s still raining, the clouds are grey… so these Skittles will have to do.