Take It Back

Jesus Christ, this Sunday was fucking weird. I don’t even know if I quite understand what the hell happened.

I had been dating this auto mechanic for about two months. It wasn’t anything serious as we both had pretty busy schedules. We had a few dates and goofed off together, and he sent me good morning and good night text messages, never pressured me for sex, and pretty much treated me like a pretty, pretty princess.

Then he cut off all contact.

I was super fucking worried about him, but when he wouldn’t answer or return my calls, I cut my losses. After the shit show with Michael, I’ve become very good at ridding myself of people who hurt me.

Well, yesterday he texted me explaining how his grandmother was in hospice, he had torn his shoulder, and just wasn’t in a good place hence the radio silence.

And then he asked me to marry him.

Fuck. How the hell do I tell him I wrote him off?

I’m hoping he just had a mental break what with all the crap going on in his life and that he’ll pull a takesies backsies with that proposal.

Bitches and Proposals

I somehow ended up with a gaggle girls for lunch one day, and the topic turned to marriage proposals.

Bruh, some of these chicks want the world a ring on a silver platter. Seriously? Are you fucking me? Some of these hoes would be lucky to get married. Actually, no. Most of them had huge knockers, and that seems to be a good indicator of whether a chick will pass on her genes. Whatever man; it’s the way of the world, and I accept that.

Ideas ranged from beach sunsets with a 4 carat ring delivered by dolphins to having a flock of angels singing Highway to Hell bearing a Tiffany’s box… or at least that’s what I heard. It was probably more along the lines of a carriage ride through Central Park. My mind makes things more interesting when shit’s boring.

My buddy David proposed to his girl a while back. He was sitting on the sofa with his chick, watching Adult Swim, when he turned to her and said, “We should get married.”

“That’s REALLY how you’re gonna ask me? You don’t even have a ring…”

“Fine, I’ll ask you next week.”

Same shit happened, only this time she said yes. Smart girl. They had a courthouse wedding as per her request. He wanted to go skydiving into a volcano with everyone shooting machine guns downwards into the magma. No, my mind wasn’t off in Lala Land; fucker really said that’s how he wanted to marry her. If that’s not the wedding of the century, I don’t know what is.