God Pissed On Me

As the title suggests, I got pissed on… but not really. There was a huge flash flood in the area I work, Old Ellicott City, Maryland. My work place had waist-deep water in it, and it didn’t just rush in from the outside. Water pretty much came up through the floor and everything! It was kinda spooky and gross once I remembered that the coffee shop used to be a funeral home and the bodies were embalmed in the basement. Icky, ancient dead body juices! GNARLY! Fortunately, I got the hell outta dodge before the flood happened. The road turned into a water fall around 2000; I left at 1930.

There’s a reason why the city is called OLD Ellicott: the place was built around the 1800s. Cobblestone roads with buildings that are hundreds of years old aren’t uncommon on Main Street. Yeah, the flood showed just how old and unstable the city is. Nobody outside of the rescue and clean up crews is allowed in the area because of unstable foundations and gas leaks.

With all that being said, I’m out of a mother fucking job. I’m currently applying to different part time gigs until my “real job” starts in September. I figured since I have some experience with ships/boats/racing shells, I’d apply for a job on a boat in Baltimore. I’ll see how that goes~

My buddy Derek also said he’d see if he could put in a good word for me at his physical therapy job. That’d be cool too. Work in a clinic or at a job where I can pretend to be a pirate and sleep overnight on a fucking boat? Tough call.

Lawd, help me…

If I Were a Man for a Day

I think I’d do random shit… like walk around topless in public with no shame.

And piss EVERYWHERE. Potted plant? Yeah. Hideous curtains. Yes! The car door handle of someone who parked like shit? ABSOLUTELY!

I’d also lie, cheat, and steal to get my dick sucked to see what the big deal is. I’d take notes on what felt good so when I went back to the land of vagina-possession I’d be a god among women.

A few other things I’d try to understand/master:

  • Ball adjusting
  • Morning wood
  • Really weird social norms expected of dudes, like having to win fights or being called a pussy
  • Getting kicked in the balls so I can finally understand the horror
  • Working out super hard to see if I actually get horny
  • Experiencing the snubbing/rejection of online dating (I hear dudes have it rough)

The Pisser

It’s about 0400 and I’m fucking exhausted, but I can’t sleep because I have a fucking UTI. For those unfamiliar with the acronym, that’s a urinary tract infection. It’s when bacteria creep up your pee hole and decide to fuck shit up by making you feel like you have to pee every ten seconds when next to nothing trickles out. If this is what senior citizenry is like, then I’m gonna jump off a bridge at the age of 60.

Silver lining: I do not have any burning sensations which apparently is a symptom many people have, according to Google. It’s bad enough running to the toilet every 10 minutes (no exaggeration here; I see hemorrhoids in my future), but if I was pissing razor blades every time, I’d probably jump off a bridge at the age of 24. Unfortunately my urine is showing traces of blood and since my health insurance is kinda tied up, it’s time to MacGyver this shit because I’m not gonna die any poorer than I already am, damn it!

I’m drinking an ass ton of water. And self medicating on some antibiotics I have in my medicine cabinet… Please, Please, PLEASE just make the urge to pee go away, Medicine God! I took the first round of drugs a little after midnight. Hopefully they kick in soon. I would sacrifice my uterus for some peace and sleep. Looking at the side effects of the meds I just ingested, my lady bits are about the only things that won’t potentially be affected. I can look forward to indigestion, tendon and muscle swelling, arthritis, nerve damage, rash, peeling skin, anxiety… OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I JUST TAKEN?! Ready for the big ride, baby!

Oh, but the plot thickens SO much more. I have a man sleeping in my bed without me because I keep squirming away to the pisser. He’s quite the cuddler… BUT I CAN’T ENJOY THAT SHIT BECAUSE OF PEE PEE NEEDS! I’m sitting on the sofa in the living room, and I closed the door to my bedroom so he could get some rest without me getting up every few minutes with the roar of an industrial toilet. It’s cold on my couch, it’s warm in his arms, and god hates me. Well, I hate it when people can hear me peeing so this situation blows the big one.

I bet this UTI was a sign from some sick supreme being to not fool around with Cuddle-kins… I’m livid. And tired. And have to pee.

Update: I think the drugs are working. I don’t feel like I have to pee as badly. Or maybe I’ve pissed myself without knowing.