What’s In a Name?

My mother always told me

Jeshka, you are a water hyacinth. You cannot grow in anything but mud, harsh times… But you will be pretty and strong. Strong enough to stop the water in a river. And pretty enough for people to choose you from the wild. You are a flower worthy of someone great. Do not forget.

I just remembered her words. I had almost forgotten what my mother’s name means. She thinks it fits me just as much as it fits her.

My Korean name means “wisdom” and “kindness” (Chinese origin). She didn’t pick my name.

I think that’s why she dislikes it. I think it’s pretty cool.

If there was a name that meant “has street smarts but is an asshole” I would’ve picked that one.

I Had to Pee in a Cup

I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday. Just a regular check up with a dude who decided he’d like to look at vaginas for the rest of his life. Fortunately I didn’t have to drop trough and strap my heels into some stirrups. The guy just looked over some charts and asked me how much sex I get.

How many sexual partners have you had?

Wait, what? Is that even pertinent?

The naval medical student flicked his eyes up to mine. I bet I get laid more often than him.

“Eight.” Doc sucked his teeth. Naval medical student looked back at his chart.

“Do you use condoms and get tested between partners?”

“Does a bear shit in the woods?”

And that was the end of that conversation.


Doc flicked deeper through my medical file. “You’re due for another check up in about six months to make sure that dysplasia stays benign. You’re 25… Your birth control lasts for another year… Do you plan on having kids soon?”

Do you know anyone who wants me to be the mother of his children…?

Christ, Fizz. It’s always interesting to chat with you, and you could’ve just said “no.”

I mean, one day I’d like to be a mom, but I don’t think that’ll be for a while.

Well if I’m still around when that happens, you’ll have to come in and have a chat me with me. We’ll have to take the implant out of your arm and get a good control of your blood sugars so Mini Fizz is a healthy hell raiser.

You want me to name the second one after you? The first one is gonna be Spartacus Titan. Boy or girl, that’s gonna be the name.

I peed in a cup to make sure I wasn’t knocked up. I’m not.

Thank God.

Today, Mama, You Can Yell

Mom is well.

I can tell because she called and started yelling at me for…something. Her usual go-to “yelling topics” have to do with doing well in school and losing weight, so I’ll go with one of those.

I didn’t care that she was bitching. It was just nice to hear her voice… Even if it was sorta shrill for the early morning hours. 

JESHKAAAAA!!! 공부 빨이하라! 알았냐?!

Okay, Mama.

Waiting Room

My brother called. My mother has been admitted to the hospital. They’re checking her brain for hemorrhaging and brain stem trauma. She’s scheduled for an MRI later today.

He wouldn’t tell me what happened exactly. She woke up with vertigo yesterday and was very nauseous. The doctors thought she was trying to score narcotics. She got worse in the ER waiting room. I’m assuming someone noticed she wasn’t well or perhaps my father went ape shit. They found the hospital wasn’t equipped to treat her. They transported her to a different facility, and that’s where she is now.

I tried to call Pops. No answer. Gotta wait.

I hate waiting. I’m pretty scared.

I’m sure my mother hates waiting rooms even more. I bet she’s not scared; she’s brave.

Biopsy Results

Benign. Negative. I’m not gonna die. Well, I’m not gonna die from cancer on my lady bits.

I called my mom and told her the good news.

Me: I don’t have cancer.

Mum:  Wat?

Me: The tests were negative.

Mum: MOMMY DIDN’T KNOW YOU HADDA TEST FO’ CANSAH! OH MY GAH!

I guess my father, in his infinite wisdom, decided to not tell my mom I was going in for a cancer biopsy (she’s really, really bad at handling this kind of news).

Cat’s out of the bag now. I mean, the cat shouldn’t be out of the bag considering it’s all said and done and I still have my skin, but my mother, being the epitome of the typical, spastic woman, went through an entire drama in her head about my dying of cancer. “Why didn’t you tell Mommy about this, Jecca?!” I guess I should cut her some slack. She went through a similar ordeal but tested positive. She was at death’s doorstep and is very fortunate to be among the living.

I feel for my old man… He’s gonna be in SO MUCH SHIT when he gets home from work.


After she was finished freaking out she wanted to talk about cervical cancer and STDs…

You not having sex widda boy so you don’ have to worry abou’ dat… RIGHT, JESHKA?!

The only proper response for the question above.

I don’t know how to tell her…