Be Nice to the Bartender

I think I’ve reached the “regular” status at Max’s Taphouse. I don’t need to show my ID to Chuck (the bouncer/doorman), and the bartenders recognize my face and know my go-to drinks.

Tim is my favorite bartender. He’s quiet but says pretty funny shit if you pay attention to his hushed words. I told him about the off-duty stripper:

Tim: Oh I would’ve had fun with that. You should’ve asked what she did for a living.

Me: She’d probably tell me her day job.

Tim: Then you could ask if she likes to dance. Ask if she does ballet or…something more exotic.

Between the two of us (I went out with Kelsey), the tab came out to… $19.11. We were drinking heavily and the mixed drinks packed a punch. Tim doesn’t skimp on the alcohol; I like that about him. He must’ve given us a few drinks for free. I think he’s sweet on Kelsey.

Hell and Booze

I think it’s funny I usually go to hell on Sundays. And by “hell” I mean work.

Jesus Christ, I feel utter dislike  when I’m finished with a shift (hate is too strong of a word because I don’t care enough to hate anyone there). There’s a real bitch who works with me though. Can’t stand that hoe. She’s a real labia shriveler. I met her dad today… I have no idea how a nice, funny man like him could produce such a twat rocket. My money’s on the mother being a cunt.

On the bright side, I started earning tips. I think it’s because I got about $45 from all the old Korean patrons who didn’t speak a lick of English. I think they felt at home when I started blabberin in 한글. Fuckin’ A.

Downside: I haven’t been paid in about a month. I almost went apeshit until the manager told me she sent mine in the mail. I guess I get groceries this week. I might even have enough for a few drinks this weekend. My sister Kelsey is gonna visit; I’m stoked.

Last week she got me hammered on beer, rum, and hot sake in the city. The sake came with our sushi. Observe:


I tried to write “smooch ’ems,” but I was already gone by the time we got to RA.

And the person I was texting was a chick.

Kelsey’s List

My sister Kelsey is a very pretty woman. She also has a heart of gold. There should be a fucking Disney princess made for her. I was shocked the first time I heard her say a girl from our sorority, Allie, was a “mean bitch.” I can’t blame Kelsey though; I think Allie is a shit-stained coochy rash, but whatever.

The point I’m trying to make is Kelsey is pretty damned perfect, at least in my book. It takes a lot to put up with my shit, and she’s been there for me through it all. I love her and would kill a fair amount of people to keep her safe.


Isn’t she gorgeous? Don’t mind the weird-looking fuck in the foreground.

All that said, she’s never had a boyfriend. During one of our day drinking sessions (we went through some shit with our sorority that ultimately caused us to petition to go alum early, and we drank when things were particularly bad), I asked her what she wanted in a guy. I was curious if she was just super picky. She listed only three things:

  1. He has to be nice.
  2. He has to like her.
  3. He can’t be a “raper.”

That’s it. As the night progressed I kinda picked up on why she didn’t pay too much attention to men. I saw why she feels more comfortable drinking when there are only women present, and I try my best to accommodate her (she’s usually designated driver, and I have no qualm with that).

Anyhow, we have the same birthday (February 11th) and I have every intention of spending the day or weekend with her. I’m gonna see if she wants to party with the crew team and the sorority sisters we like.

Fuck Allie, that coochy rash.


An update. Fuckin’ A.