Guilt for the Wicked

I hurt someone today. I broke his heart. He came over and told me he loved me, to give him another chance.

I said I hate him, that he had fucked up. That’s a lie. I said that so he could get over me quickly. So he wouldn’t miss me when I’m not there to wrap my arms around him while he sleeps or kiss his cheek to wake him up.

This couldn’t have happened at a worse time. His grandmother is dying. Considering he’s never met his father (let alone knows who he is) and his mother died when he was nine, his grandma is damned important to him. And you hurt him even more, Jess.

ARGH! Why do I feel this much guilt?! He really did fuck up. I don’t like him like that anymore… Shit, I’m getting soft. I used to hurt people for a living. I never lost any sleep over it. Now I tell a guy I don’t like him anymore and I feel like a hippo is wiping its ass on my chest. Time to move on, Fizz. You’ve felt sorry for yourself long enough. He should feel bad, not you.

Onward and downward, I guess.

My Ian

I just found out one of my friends died almost a year ago.

I was looking through the contacts on my phone and decided to shoot him a message. The last time we spoke, he wasn’t in a good place. The message failed to send.

I looked at his Facebook page. It hadn’t been updated in a very long while. And then I searched his name.

Ian [redacted]. Passed away July 5, 2015.

He was a user and went to rehab for it. He sent me a letter while he was there, with his messy mechanical engineer’s, all-caps scrawl.

When I was assaulted on campus, I cried and cried on the phone with him. He said he knew people from his bad ol’ days who could easily make the guy go away. He would’ve killed for me. Friends like that are a rarity few ever come across.

I feel an immense and terrible guilt on my shoulders. I remember messaging him a year ago with no reply. I asked if he was mad at me. No response.

alrighty then…

bye, Ian.

I unfriended him on Facebook, and I never really gave him a second thought. That was May of 2015.

I never e-mailed him or sent him letters.

I should have.

I should have tried harder to reach out instead of writing him off. He must have been in so much pain.

I’m so sorry, Ian.

I love you.