This Goodbye is Forever

My first big love got married. I’m going through so many fucking emotions right now. I don’t know how to deal with them. I’m either drinking or sleeping. Drinking currently, obviously.

I’d be happy if he was with someone he loved, but a guy doesn’t fly to Baltimore to see his ex for shits and giggles. I think he wanted me to tell him to stay. 

I slept with him. Not fucked. Just slept next to him. Jet lag is a killer. I remembered his smell; it was the same. I held back the tears. I knew it would be the last time. I didn’t want to ruin it.

Do you love me?

Of course. Always.

Can you say it…?

I’ll love you for always.

I drove him back to the airport and then laid in my bed, holding the pillow his head had rested on and breathing in his scent. It was the only thing that really proved he had actually been there.

I slept on the sofa that night.

And then I washed my sheets in the morning.

I’m numb. Jameson’s, my sweet James… You won’t marry Jose Cuervo, will you? He probably will. That’s how my life has always played out. Even my booze can’t stay.

I need to drink more. I’m starting to think of the house, the children, the love, the life I could’ve had with him. All gone. Fortunately I took a minor to the liquor store, and, honestly, who shops better for cheap booze that’ll fuck me up? The owner, a Korean man I call Uncle, gave us a free bottle of Absolut. 

Thank god. 

It’s the little things…right?

Goodbye, Seamus.

Adieu

Do you ever just spend time with a person and everything’s good and then one day he does or says something that casts a different light on everything? Like he smiles, shakes his head, laughs, and says, “What?!” or pulls you close while you’re pretending to be asleep and lightly runs his fingers down your side and you think,

“Oh no. No, no, no, no. I’m not allowed to feel like this.”


I’ve liked you for a very long while now, but I think it’s time that I distance myself. It’s like window shopping. I can see you, but there’s a glass wall between us. One day a girl will fall in love with you and you’ll love her back. The stars will align, but I’ll be in the darkness. She’ll shatter the glass that separated us and you’ll be happy with her, happier than you’ve ever been with me. It’ll break me; I’ll crash to the floor and fall into a thousand pieces.

It’s gotten to the point where the pain of not seeing you again is shadowed by the pain of your never wanting me. So I’m leaving before I die while watching you hold another.

I think you either love someone forever or you never loved him at all.

So when I shatter, please, take a shard of me and keep it with you forever.

Because I love you.

In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.

-Buddha