I’m Crumbling…

I’m really stressed out and I’m not quite sure why.

I feel like the walls are closing in. No. It’s worse than the walls closing in.

It’s like a horde of vicious people clawing at me through a chain link fence who want to do me harm. Flay my flesh. Peel off my eyelids. Rip off my lips. Drag my forehead across the asphalt and jerk the scalp off my skull. This would all happen before or after a brutal gang rape. Perhaps during if the mob were particularly rabid.

I’m ready to just stop. Run away. Real life hasn’t even started for me. I have a feeling real life is that horde and the chain link is slowly bowing in, unraveling at its rusty kinks.

Jesus Christ, I need help. How do people survive this shit?

I need to know the secret or I’m not gonna make it.

Advisory Meeting: Jobs

I bumped into my adviser and decided today would be a good day to get under his skin.

Me: I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, doc. Help me be a good adult!

Tom: Do you have any requirements for your occupation?

Me: I’d prefer if it allowed for me to drink coffee whenever I wanted it. I think we all know I don’t need much sleep to function. Cheers. *tap my coffee cup to his*

Tom: Be a researcher or a lab tech. Or a mom. I think you’d be good at all of those, Fizz.

Wow. Holy shit. Wow.

I couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not. This is my comeuppance for bothering him all the time.

Selfish and Alone

Who is the most important person in your life?

That’s a tough question for me to answer.

At this point in my life, I think the answer should be me, but there are a few people I’d claw my own eyes out for if they were in too deep.

My mother asked me this question.

After years of telling me to be humble and to take care of others, she told me to be selfish.

It was so strange to hear those words come out of her mouth. It feels like the carpet is about to be pulled out from under me. It made me feel alone.

Then she asked me if I wanted to move to Kentucky after I graduate.

HAHAHAHA NO! I had a chat with my brother this morning (we almost always Skype around 0600 because we’re early risers) about moving and how I’d rather stay in Baltimore. I thought he was going to tell me to move in with my parents or something. He didn’t.

If you don’t want to move, then don’t. If you’re in the place you want to be, stay. You’re an adult. You can do that. Just don’t fuck up. And I don’t blame you for not wanting to move. Fort Knox sucks ass.

I feel comforted in knowing Dennis supports my decision. Feels like I’m setting down some roots, and that’s fucking sweet.

Grown Up Things

I’m browsing through all my student debt. LOOK AT ALL THOSE ZEROES!

I’m researching health insurances. WOW I BETTER NOT EVER GET SICK! Oh wait, shit, I have Type I diabeetus. Fuck.

Dude… being an adult sucks. Like, it sucks worse than a nun giving a blow job.

I’ve decided to start saving up money for my future children’s university funds now. I don’t wanna have them go through this shit with debt.

*sigh* I’m gonna be a slave to the system for, like, the next 10 to 15 years paying all this back…


I can just spend a few hundred dollars on Spanish lessons/programs and run away to South America. This idea is starting to look mighty fine.