Zach Conversations

He said he loved me.

Was this during sex? Because chicks yell out “OH GOD” and “OH DADDY” while I’m fuckin’ ’em and I really doubt they think I’m either of those things. If so… well, we have bigger problems than America’s education system.

I wanna go somewhere… Take a vacation from the bullshit.

I like going on vacation with girls that don’t get tan lines… If you know what I mean.

I think I have cancer.

Shit, seriously? Eh, just think of it like I do STDs. If I have the clap and I don’t know about it, it’s the same as not having it.

PSA: If you see a 6’1″ blonde dude who drinks too much and always wears muscle tees and tank tops, don’t have sex with him.

God Pissed On Me

As the title suggests, I got pissed on… but not really. There was a huge flash flood in the area I work, Old Ellicott City, Maryland. My work place had waist-deep water in it, and it didn’t just rush in from the outside. Water pretty much came up through the floor and everything! It was kinda spooky and gross once I remembered that the coffee shop used to be a funeral home and the bodies were embalmed in the basement. Icky, ancient dead body juices! GNARLY! Fortunately, I got the hell outta dodge before the flood happened. The road turned into a water fall around 2000; I left at 1930.

There’s a reason why the city is called OLD Ellicott: the place was built around the 1800s. Cobblestone roads with buildings that are hundreds of years old aren’t uncommon on Main Street. Yeah, the flood showed just how old and unstable the city is. Nobody outside of the rescue and clean up crews is allowed in the area because of unstable foundations and gas leaks.

With all that being said, I’m out of a mother fucking job. I’m currently applying to different part time gigs until my “real job” starts in September. I figured since I have some experience with ships/boats/racing shells, I’d apply for a job on a boat in Baltimore. I’ll see how that goes~

My buddy Derek also said he’d see if he could put in a good word for me at his physical therapy job. That’d be cool too. Work in a clinic or at a job where I can pretend to be a pirate and sleep overnight on a fucking boat? Tough call.

Lawd, help me…

This Goodbye is Forever

My first big love got married. I’m going through so many fucking emotions right now. I don’t know how to deal with them. I’m either drinking or sleeping. Drinking currently, obviously.

I’d be happy if he was with someone he loved, but a guy doesn’t fly to Baltimore to see his ex for shits and giggles. I think he wanted me to tell him to stay. 

I slept with him. Not fucked. Just slept next to him. Jet lag is a killer. I remembered his smell; it was the same. I held back the tears. I knew it would be the last time. I didn’t want to ruin it.

Do you love me?

Of course. Always.

Can you say it…?

I’ll love you for always.

I drove him back to the airport and then laid in my bed, holding the pillow his head had rested on and breathing in his scent. It was the only thing that really proved he had actually been there.

I slept on the sofa that night.

And then I washed my sheets in the morning.

I’m numb. Jameson’s, my sweet James… You won’t marry Jose Cuervo, will you? He probably will. That’s how my life has always played out. Even my booze can’t stay.

I need to drink more. I’m starting to think of the house, the children, the love, the life I could’ve had with him. All gone. Fortunately I took a minor to the liquor store, and, honestly, who shops better for cheap booze that’ll fuck me up? The owner, a Korean man I call Uncle, gave us a free bottle of Absolut. 

Thank god. 

It’s the little things…right?

Goodbye, Seamus.


I got the new Pokemon Go app. I’m fucking addicted.

This shit is great. It’s getting everyone out of the house and bonding over nerdy shit. The coffee shop I work at is overrun with gamers trying to catch Pokemon (it’s a Pokestop and there’s an unusual amount of Bulbasaur around)… and then they buy iced drinks to keep cool in the summer heat. I like it. People will be skinny in no time, and the nerdy/gamer folks with social anxiety will be able to talk to other Pokemon trainers about… nerdy/gamer shit.

My roommate Pat and I went to Baltimore’s Inner Harbor yesterday searching for Pokemon. It was crazy. Everyone was whipping his/her phone out and talking to others playing the game. “Go to the USS Constellation for Tentacruel and Doduo!” “I found a Dratini by the Seven Foot Knoll Lighthouse!” …amazing.

And closer to home… I go to a rather nerdy university and there’s only one Pokemon Gym on campus… right between the engineering and information technology buildings. Just imagine all of the geeky kids in high school deciding to go to the same college and taking over the campus… And then a turf war breaking out to see which team will rule. Right now the gym is owned by Team Mystic.

Pat: Pick Team Instinct or go extinct, amirite?

Me: *mumbles*… big dick Mystic.

Paulo: You picked team Mystake?

Also, for anyone in the DC area… There’s a Blastoise in the Department of Justice building. Good luck getting in.

Valley of the First

My friend Sam (girl Sam, not boy Sam) is a grad student at Maryland Institute College of Art (I don’t know what’s going on with that name, but whatever). She specializes in illustration and has an online comic. I just read it. I’m a pretty harsh critic when it comes to comics and whatnot, but this one has a pretty good story line, and the pictures are hella cute. Y’all should take a look. There are only two chapters out so far, but she has the outline of the story swirling around in her mind so I reckon we can anticipate future installments. I hope it all turns out well for the main character Tana. Here’s the first page and the link:

More Hospitals

Much like Ellie, I too found myself in a hospital today (I guess we really are twins).

I finally have a primary care provider, so I decided to see her so I could get my meds and make sure I wasn’t going to die any time soon.

She’s a very kind lady who was unfortunately given a lazy eye. I think she squints on purpose so people might not notice, but as a person with squinty eyes myself, I saw that shit. She gave me free “samples” of the insulin I’m on and then told me about this sketchy website that sells discounted drugs. Whatever. I’m poor. I’ll try anything.

After we discussed my chronic health issues she asked, “Is there anything else I should take a look at today?”

I wanted to tell her about my fainting spells, headaches, and nose bleeds. I wanted her to tell me everything was gonna be fine and that I should just drink more water and cut back on the unhealthy food.

But I didn’t think she’d say that.

I shook my head and thanked her for being so nice to me.

I know I’m a pile of chicken shit, but I’d rather not know when I’m gonna die.