I did something bad, and my buddy Zach had to fix it.
Zach: YOU OWE ME, FIZZ!
Me: *pats his cheek* I owe everyone, sugar, but I think you’re the only one who has a rather large debt to pay back to me.
Zach: WHAT?! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!
Me: Do we really need to do this?
Zach: YEAH! LET’S HEAR IT, SUGAR!
Me: I’ve bailed you outta jail twice, told about four of your flavors of the week to fuck off because “you’re mine” and even KISSED you to make it real, driven your drunk ass home who knows how many times, pulled you away from that gay guy while you were making out-
Zach: ALL RIGHT, STOP! …let’s not mention that last one again.
And here I am telling all of my readers about it.
To be fair, I kinda goaded him into kissing the gay man. Next thing I knew, Zach was getting up from his stool at the bar saying, “I’ll fuckin’ do it.”
I had to spend the rest of the next day convincing Zach he still exclusively liked women. “Do you like tits? Okay, you’re straight. Do you like penises? No? Okay, you’re still straight.” I think Zach was still drunk the morning we had that talk, so he just kinda…