My Family Gives Me NO BREAKS

I was really sad so I called my dad. I started to cry as soon as I heard his voice.

Pops: Hello?

Me: *sniffles* Hi Daddy…

Pops: Is this my daughter? Crying? Oh gosh. I’m gonna look at this menu. Here, talk to your Uncle Bill.

Uncle Bill: Hey, Jess. Watcha doin’?

Me: *sniffles more* Crying like-like-like a little b-b-b-bitch.

Uncle Bill: Sounds like it. You okay or are you just having a womanly moment? ‘Bout damned time you started to have those…

I actually feel a lot better now that I’ve spoken with my family.

Pops is down in Florida because my grandmother’s husband passed away on Friday. Friday was also my Uncle Bill’s birthday. Cowabunga.

My Kidneys Tried to Die on Me

I went to the hospital last night at 2:00 in the morning with a kidney infection.

I had called a bunch of friends to see if they had any antibiotics. I got 875mg amoxicillin tablets, but it turns out I had a resistant strain of bacteria raging through my kidneys (I think I read that up to 25% of bacteria found in the urinary system are now resistant to amoxicillin. Just my luck). Earlier in the week I had tried to take care of the infection by drinking apple cider vinegar diluted with water… That shit obviously didn’t work. Chinese remedies have failed me for the first time.

I woke up feeling like someone was slipping shards of glass into my back. Goddamn fucking spreading infection trying to fuck me in the ass. Missed and got me in the back instead. Loser.

I went out to the living room where Alex was sleeping and Abe was working on his computer engineering project. “Guys… I need to see a doctor.”

While waiting in line to check in, a nice lady got a wheelchair for me and a plastic pink bucket in case if I tossed my cookies. I must’ve looked like an idiot swooning and crouching over in an effort to relieve some of the pain. By that point I was nauseous, feverish, and getting cold sweats. Bad news bears.

I watched Family Guy in the waiting room while my kidneys felt hot and stingy; laughing sent rivulets of pain throughout my abdomen. It made me wonder how badly kidney stones hurt. My older brother, Dennis, told me it was akin to getting jack-hammered in the balls but the sensation was in his lower back. Please don’t let it be kidney stones too.

They finally drew some blood and laid me up in a bed until I could pee into a cup. The nurse, Brian, brought me some Motrin (800mg horse pills) to dull the pain. I went to sleep promptly with Alex and Abe sitting next to my gurney.

A few hours later, the nice Doctor DeAugustinas woke me up by shoving some antibiotics into my gullet. He scared the shit out of me. I don’t like feeling delirious with someone opening my mouth and inserting foreign objects. I’m glad it’s only pills. I wouldn’t be able to fight off a perv doctor. Whatever. Alex and Abe would fuck up any predator who walked in here. 

He pressed on my stomach and back asking how badly I hurt. “The physical pain is not as bad as the blow to my ego. I had to pee in a cup and you just felt all of my belly fat.” For an ER provider working the overnight shift, he was very kind, friendly, and funny. And I’m not sure if it was the immense pain blurring my vision, but he looked pretty attractive too. Why do I always get the good-looking doctors when I’m feeling and looking like a walking pile of horse shit? Now Karma is out to fuck me in the ass too, eh?!


I left with some scripts and a note telling me to take the day off. No math exam or physics lab for me today. I asked for a note for Abe and Alex too (it was about 6:00 in the morning so the kiddos hadn’t slept much). Brian said we’d have to check them in and give them rectal exams.

Alex: Oooooooh!!! I’M GOOD!


Let the Good Times Roll


We’ve got Abe, Emre, Alex, Cannon, Pranav, Shaner, and me.

After many drinks, I told the youngest of the group to never fuckin’ settle. I think I said something to the effect of:

Don’t get a girl you don’t think is perfect. Like… She better suck your dick like she’s dying and your cock is the Fountain of Youth, bruh.