Epiphany

I found the answer, and I’m cool with it.

Recently there was this really nice, sweet guy who was texting me. I finally met him and I just knew it wouldn’t work out. Why wouldn’t it work? The dude was just too… clingy and kind, a bad combination because you can’t tell this guy to fuck off without feeling wretched.

He kept calling me shit like “angel face” and “beautiful.” Legit, this dude told me he heard birds singing in the morning and knew they were singing for me. REALLY, MAN?!

I don’t know why he got attached to me so quickly and with virtually no contact, but it fucking happened. This dude was playing with the “L” bomb and it freaked me out.

I told him it wouldn’t work. He asked me why I didn’t like him. I didn’t have very good reasons.

And then it hit me: Is this what it was like for Michael? Was I standing in his shoes now?

I mean, here was a nice guy who liked me, and I didn’t like him back for reasons I can’t explain away 100%. Everything just clicked together. He doesn’t want me, he’ll never want me, and there isn’t anything I can do about it.

I did the sweetheart a favor and told him all the little things I felt uncomfortable about. I wanted him to have closure; I almost wanted him to hate me so he’d be able to move on easily and quickly. I didn’t spare his emotions. I think I did the right thing, even if he locked those pretty, blue puppy-dog eyes on mine. He told me he’d wait for me anyway and that I should call him again. Christ, I feel like shit.

This experience has cleared my vision. I see how I suppose Michael saw me. Things just wouldn’t work in his eyes.

There’s no sense in pining. These last few months of feeling down… they feel so stupid to me now. I wasted time being sad over someone who never cared when I could’ve been looking for someone to be happy with.

I think I can say I’ve made my peace. I’m glad. This isn’t something I wanted to take with me to my grave, and it seems… I get the feeling I have limited time left.

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