Scorched Earth Policy

I’m sitting here with my friend Pat. I told him the whole thing about Michael, our last messages, everything. What a saint he is to listen to my woes.

I’m not usually about the scorched earth policy, but I think you need to do that. His not sending you a message back… that was his way of saying he never wants to talk to you again. That was a big middle finger, a fuck you. Cut him out of your life. Unfriend him on Facebook, delete his number, erase the messages, throw out everything he ever gave you.
I don’t think I’m ready for that. I want to remember Michael in a positive light. He was great. I don’t want to lose all of it.
You’re just getting rid of the paper trail. The things you did, the memories, the feelings, those will always be there. It’s like your favorite book. You remember the gist of it and how it made you feel, but you don’t remember specific paragraphs. Just the feeling.
What if on my death bed those are the only things I have?
Just some text messages? That’ll fucking suck. Jessica, you’re a unique person and finding someone who you mesh with will be difficult.
You mean everyone has a hard time with that or just me?
You in particular. You’re not ordinary.
I’m a plebe. A fucking peasant.
…No, you’re not. I’m just trying to say you’re fighting an uphill battle. I think your hanging on to Michael isn’t going to do you any good, and it’s not fair to the next guy or this Gabe character… You should take him out of your life now.

I unfriended him on Facebook and deleted his phone number. I couldn’t bring myself to delete him from my Google Chats. I’m not ready for that.

I hope he doesn’t think I hate him. It’s quite the opposite.

I’m just tired of hurting. And I’m not healing. 

And I’m worried I won’t ever heal.

2 thoughts on “Scorched Earth Policy

    1. Heh, isn’t it? But I find I’m becoming apathetic to the whole thing. My last bit of hope is leaving me. He doesn’t care, and, when I think logically about it, there is no reason why I should care either. It’s just a huge drain; I’m exhausted all the time and I have nothing to show for it. It’s painfully freeing to let go of someone who doesn’t love you back.

      Liked by 1 person

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