Run Away to Forget

Alex, Rachel, and I decided we’d move out to Seattle. We looked at a few houses that would suit us, picked out furniture, and sorta planned out how much we would each have to save to live in the city/suburbs. I’m pretty excited thinking about a new life out west… But it feels like I’m running away. sigh

I miss Michael so very much. He’s been on my mind a bit more often than usual, and I feel restless. If I’m being honest, there hasn’t been a day he’s not flitted through my thoughts.

I’m worried my heart won’t heal. I’m not in limbo anymore, wondering if he’ll ever want to see me for a cup of coffee or beer. I’m wondering if he’s getting enough sleep, eating well… Falling in love with a pretty girl who treats him with kindness. A part of me hopes he is. To my very core, I want him to be happy. It just hurts me. But don’t worry. I’m trying to become a masochist.

Maybe running away is a good thing. I won’t be reminded of him by so many things. That’s a lie. I can’t even eat a burrito without remembering him; he took me to eat my first one at a Qdoba. 

I shared a lot with Michael. I told him I thought making lasagna was a very couple-y thing to do and that I’d like to make it with my significant other someday. He went grocery shopping, bought all the ingredients, and we made some bomb-ass lasagna sauce in a wok he was very excited to receive for his birthday. At the time, I thought the gesture was sweet; now I almost feel cheated out of something I wanted to share with the guy I end up with.

Too many memories keep choking me up. The glasses I drink from were Michael’s. The tickets to the Oriole’s game are on my fridge (why the fuck do I still have those there?). A black seashell in the shape of a dick he picked up from South Carolina rests on my windowsill.

While cleaning out my email, I came across a letter from Michael. I cried when I read it.

There was a lot more to it, but those words are only for me.

I may be looking at houses in Seattle… but Michael has permanent real estate on my heart.

4 thoughts on “Run Away to Forget

  1. Seattle is beautiful, running away or not. I’m in the limbo boat myself. It sucks. Too bad those little flash pens from Men In Black don’t exist. Or better yet, the machine from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Damn those painful “what ifs” and “if only.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I was actually trying to watch “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,” but I sorta fell asleep. It’s still open on a tab. As for forgetting Michael… I’m not sure I would do that. He was a positive force in my life while he was still around. I wouldn’t give that up. I try to keep a positive when I think of him. A good amount of the people who know about the “situation” often say things along the lines of “Forget that asshole; he was terrible.” I disagree. He’s great. I can see where people are coming from with that though. Do you have similar experiences with folks in your life.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Lol about the movie. I’ve heard a few people fall asleep. If I remember correctly, it has a slow beginning. I loved it though. I feel you on the “not wanting to forget.” If people knew the whole story with my guy, they would say the same. “He’s a jerk” Blah blah blah. But, despite the bad times, he has a wonderful heart. I cherish the good times, maybe a little too much. For me, I would want to forget the attachment. How beautiful it would be to have the memories without the pain of “why couldn’t we work.”

        Liked by 1 person

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