Tricks and Treats

Zach: Jess, I’ve eaten forbidden fruit.

Me: No you haven’t; you’re dumber than me and I’m an idiot.

Fuck you; I wasn’t being biblical. I meant to say that I’m fucking someone I shouldn’t be.

What? A married woman?

Yeah. My boss’ wife.

Wow… I hope you’re looking for a new job.

Got it covered. She said her sister’s company might have something available. I’ve got an interview today.

She’s helping you get a job… with her sister? That woman is as sharp as a marble.

I know; I like that about her. I hope her sister is the same. Maybe I could work out a threesome of dumbasses.

Get out of my house.

Well we both left the house for an early breakfast. I didn’t even shower; I just walked out with my Hopkins hoodie, some shorts (that I deeply regretted wearing because it was so cold), and a great plumage of bedhead. I stuck my head out the passenger window on the drive to the city so the wind smoothed down my hair.

Instead of taking me to a Panera Bread or a fucking McDonald’s, Zach drove to the Lord Baltimore Hotel. I thought he was messing with me when he pulled up to the valet. There was no fucking way we were going to eat here for breakfast. Shit, there was no fucking way they’d let me into a place like that looking the way I did. “Get out, Fizz. I’ve got a table and two women waiting.”

I oozed out of the car and followed Zach through hotel doors that could probably pay for half my tuition. Everyone inside looked fancy… and loaded. I wanted to leave so badly. No wonder Zach is dressed in slacks and a polo. A woman walked up to us and touched Zach on the arm. He touched her on the butt. My god.

She was an older lady, maybe in her early forties judging by the wrinkles framing her eyes. She was in good shape with a flat stomach, toned arms, and a taut bottom that Zach seemed fond of caressing. Blue eyes, penciled-in eyebrows, straight white teeth that would’ve looked lovely on a sincere smile. She was very well put together, like an older, more professional Barbie doll.

“You must be Jess.” I really don’t like it when people I’ve never met know my name. I also don’t like it too much when people call me “Jess” right off the bat. My Confucian upbringing makes me prickle at a lack of formality.

“It seems you have me at a disadvantage; you know my name, but I don’t know yours… And you’ve had a shower whereas I have not.”

“You look fine, honey. And I’m Ms. Jacqueline.” What a typical middle-aged, rich, white woman name. I bet she made that up. And fuck calling anyone “Ms.” anything.

“Thanks, Jackie. You’re a real sweetheart.” She didn’t bristle at my calling her “Jackie.” Confucius say she no raise in a Asia country.

She touched Zach’s arm again and she led us upstairs to some French restaurant. No waiting; she just walked to a table for four. Another woman was sitting at the table. She looked similar to Jacqueline. They look like sisters… You’ve gotta be shitting me. I’m certain Zach is the spawn of Satan. “Everyone, this is my sister Julia. Please have a seat. As my guests, please order whatever you like. It’ll be comped by the hotel, so don’t feel too guilty about ordering the most expensive thing on the menu.” She winked at me as she said this. I ordered waffles and an omelette with coffee. They brought us a tray of fruit tarts that wasn’t on the menu. Apparently Julia likes to have these brought to her from the bakery.

The three of them chattered about things that really didn’t hold my interest. I felt gross and out of place because I hadn’t showered and looked like a bum compared to these fancy folks. “You seem distracted, Fizz,” Zach semi-shouted to the table. “Are you ready to leave or something?”

“I guess, I feel pretty icky. Uncomfortable in my skin. I think I’d feel better at some place not so upscale. I wish you had told me we were gonna go someplace so nice with such lovely ladies. Thank you, by the way. College students rarely get to experience anything so nice.”

“You’re always welcome here, Jess,” purred Jacqueline. “If you like, you can use a room Julia has here to freshen up before you go.” I felt on edge all of a sudden. I didn’t want to be naked in some cougar’s room.

“A room you say?” chimed in Zach. “I’d like to have a look. I’ve never stayed in this hotel. Jess, you can shower up while I snoop around.”

“Excellent. Let’s all go upstairs,” Julia said sweetly as she folded her napkin and placed it on the table. I wanted to leave. I knew what was coming. Zach, your dick will be the death of me.

We left the restaurant without paying and went up an elevator. Zach was now caressing two asses. What the fuck? What the FUCK?! Why am I here. I just wanted breakfast. I would’ve been happy with just some shitty sausage McGriddles. Now I’m here with the Cougar Wonder Twins and my buddy wants to fuck them. At the same time. WHERE DO I FIT IN WITH THIS SHIT SHOW?!

The elevator dinged. We stepped out of the lift and walked down a long corridor. I don’t wanna be here. I’d rather look and smell like shit than be at the mercy of these horn dogs. I mean what kind of people want to fuck Zach?! I don’t want to see him naked or have his wang anywhere near me! Jacqueline stopped at a door and pulled out a card key. She swiped it, a green light flickered by the handle, and she pushed in the door. The three sex-crazed tools walked in. I stood in the hallway. “Listen, I don’t want any part of this sex pact thing between one of my good friends and sisters who are willing to have sex with the same guy AND each other. So I’m just gonna wait downstairs and not witness this shit show. Later.”

Julia and Jacqueline walked farther into the room and started to whisper to each other. Zach shook his head while I move a finger in a slicing motion across my throat.

“We’re sorry. We thought you wanted to join us. Zach has mentioned you before. We thought you were his partner and would feel better if you were in the room so there was no foul play.” I wasn’t raised on a farm but I know bullshit when I see it. They both look like they’d like to ride an Asian girl’s face until her nose caved in.

“I came here for breakfast. Zach said I’d get free breakfast this time. He didn’t mention anything about having sex with married women.” That knocked the two sisters back on their heels. I wasn’t sure if they were just surprised I knew they were adulterers or if they were pissed and wanted to kill me.

“We’re going to do no such thing, Jess,” Julia said stiffly. “Go downstairs, tell the concierge I sent you, and he’ll get you your own room so you can shower and get any refreshments you like, comped by the hotel. Why don’t you take a long hot bath? It’ll calm down those… tight nerves of yours.” I wasn’t sure if I disliked Julia more for patronizing me or if I liked her for her bargaining chips.

“I’ll leave you all to your… touring of the room then.” I pulled the door shut and half-ran back to the elevators

Dropping Julia’s name landed me a room with a queen-sized bed on the club level (whatever the hell that means; I saw no clubs). I ordered more fruit tarts from room service and asked if they had any ladies’ underclothes (they did: black panties and sports bra). I didn’t take a bath, but the soap and shampoo weren’t too shabby; there was even a hair dryer. After I was clean I watched TV with the room service dude who brought me food for about an hour. Pete was his name. I told him about Pete the Pimp who managed the strippers that performed for my stripper party. I don’t think Pete believed me about the party. Whatever.

After Pete left I bought porn and watched some B-rated nudies. And that’s how Zach found me when he walked into my room: me curled up in bed with a bunch of fruit tarts around me while some guy was ramming a girl from behind on the television screen.

He walked across the room and laid on the foot of the bad. “That was really tiring. And not as good as I thought it would be. My god. Please turn off the porn.”

I turned off the TV. “Want a fruit pie thingy… or a nap?”

“I’ll just have a glass of water and sleep.”

“Okay. Don’t die.”

He crawled over to me and put his head in my lap. “You know, you’re the only girl for me, Fizz.”

“That’s rich coming from you considering you JUST boinked not one, but TWO women.”

“Sometimes people don’t make sense. You understand that and you’re okay with it. You’re okay with me. Fuck Michael. Fuck the other one too. Just hold me, Fizz.”

“They must’ve fucked you silly…” I stroked his hair and traced the lines of his face and neck with my fingers. “Don’t die and don’t worry. I’ll drive us back.”

I got piss drunk later that night on Long Island Iced Teas.

It was one of those nights where I took a picture with everyone I met and put it on my SnapChat story. Here are a few. Behold:


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