I have a problem. I have severe diarrhea of the mouth.
I was in line at Starbucks today so I could imbibe a fancy drink that allows me to function in the morning. I almost always order a latte. Just simple espresso (I think, I don’t fucking know; I don’t work at Starbucks) with some steamed milk. I tell the baristas my name is Car so some other Jessica (there are way too many in the world) doesn’t take my drink. That’s the worst. It’s like stepping in a puddle of water with socks on. It completely changes my mood.
Anyhow, I was standing in line and was enviously staring at a girl who had just received her drink from a butch lesbian. “Kate!”
I watched Kate walk over to where the fixings for coffee were… and defile her caffeinated drink. That chick must’ve poured about a fourth of a cup of sugar in her coffee. It was like watching someone take a righteous dump on the Mona Lisa.
OH MY GOD. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE SLIPPED A LOG OF POOP INTO YOUR COFFEE, YOU SAVAGE. POOPINESS ABOUNDS IN YOUR DRINK, HEATHEN. HOW DO YOU HAVE TEETH AFTER PUTTING ALL THAT CRACK IN THERE?
I had made quite a scene. The lesbian and her waif-y girlfriend were staring at me. The gay barista taking orders gaped at me with a slack jaw.
“Are you Jess? Here’s your latte.”
“Yes, that’s me. I haven’t had my coffee yet, and I’m not ready for normal social interactions.”
Surprisingly, everyone understood the feeling, including Kate, and just nodded solemnly.
Joke’s on them. I’m always an asshole like that.