It’s Saturday morning. If I had a TV I’d probably watch cartoons, but I don’t. Instead I usually receive a phone call, text, or visit from Zach and/or Sam, my real-life Looney Toons characters.
Zach came over for coffee at about 0700.
Me: You’re never up at this hour unless if you haven’t slept the night before.
Zach: Yeah, so? Can I have some coffee?
He asked me this as he was taking the coffee grounds out of the cabinet and filling the Keurig with water. He’s either an asshole or we’re really good friends. Probably both.
Me: So how was your evening?
Zach: I went out on a date that I didn’t even wanna go on.
Me: It couldn’t have been that bad if it’s ending just now.
Zach: She was supposed to be a one-and-done chick. I picked her up at a bar; you never keep those around.
Me: I didn’t know you had such strong principles on who you rail. What made you bust?
Zach: The way her tits bounce when she’s on top. HAHAHAHA!!! *I glared at him over my coffee cup* She left a ring at my place and I had to return it to her.
Me: I bet it was a $2 ring from a fucking yard sale. She probably just wanted a reason to see you again and you fell for it.
Zach: I don’t wanna hear anything out of you about people leaving shit behind. Remember that shitty take-out Tupperware Michael left here that I told you to throw away when you thought things were over?! AND YOU KEPT IT?! God, you’re such a girl sometimes.
Me: Okay, a few things. When I peed this morning, I definitely had a vagina so I’m a girl alla time. I didn’t meet Michael in a bar… AND he’s way closer to being Cinderella, leaving his fucking glass slipper at my place, than ANY chick that you’ve banged.
Zach: You’re right.
Me: I know it. So why’d you stay up all night, besides… ya know?
Zach: I made sure we went back to her place so she couldn’t leave anything with me. She lives in the city; you’re apartment was on the way back home. Besides, you always feed me and let me sleep here after a rough night.
Fucker just ate all my cookies and is sleeping in MY bed… and I know he saw me putting sheets on the spare mattress for him too!