Timing Is Important

I’ve been friends with this dude named Matty Fish for a long fuckin’ time. We met during our elementary school spelling bee; I hated him, but only because he was my competition. After I kicked ass, we were friends.

But this isn’t a story about our friendship; it’s about Matty and Ben Glenn. Matty’s mom was friends with Ben’s mum, so they rubbed elbows on a regular basis. Matty didn’t like Ben. “He’s such an annoying shit! God, I hate that fat fuck.”

On one particular day, Matty was dragged off to Ben’s house. Instead of being his normal mouth-breathing, annoying self, Ben was very quiet and dejected. “Matt, I gotta show you something. It’s really bad. C’mere.”

He led me to his room and was breathing a lot more heavily than he usually did.

“Matt, something really bad happened. Look.” AND THEN HE DROPPED TROUGH AND SHOWED ME HIS DICK! Now I’ve seen dicks before, but his was all sorts of fucked up. There were scabs on it and shit, oh my God!

I ran out of the room and told my mom we had to “get the fuck outta here.” I had never cursed in front of my mom and I haven’t since, but I’d be damned if we stayed in a house where some kid’s dick had been chopped off. She got scared and was super embarrassed by my language so we left. I think she wanted to give me an ass whoopin’ but I told her what I saw… She hugged me and I never went back to that hell hole. Turns out Ben had been uncircumcised, gotten an infection, and they had to go snippy-snippy with his junk. 

After Matty had told the story, I think we all drank deeply from our beer steins, cupping our crotches due to sympathy pain.

Like, damn. How the hell are you gonna circumcise your kid in the fifth grade? The thought makes my labia shrivel.

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

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