Bethany: The Ex’s Ex

Yeah… She thinks Chris and I have been dating for the last two years. Kinda surprising she doesn’t know we haven’t seen each other in a long fucking while. But the plot thickens…

He told her he was coming up to see me this weekend… AND THAT’S TOTALLY A CROCK OF BOLLOCKS BECAUSE MY PARENTS ARE VISITING FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I SURE AS SHIT WOULDN’T INTRODUCE HIM TO MY FOLKS! What in the blue fuck?!

I tried to do him a solid and be ambiguous with her in case if he’s trying to win her back by making her jealous or some shit.

….

HOW DOES SHE EVEN HAVE MY NUMBER OR KNOW WHAT MY NAME IS OR THAT WE USED TO DATE!?!?

Now I know what it’s like when my dad shows up knowing random things about my friends…

Whatever. She wasn’t hostile or anything. She was actually pretty sweet. Sickly sweet. I think she was trying to wring information out of me. I was born on a Sunday, but not last Sunday.

But Jessica, why didn’t you just tell the poor girl you’re not dating Chris anymore? Because I’m an awful person with a very odd “bros before hoes” complex for a chick… and I’m also petty. This was the girl with whom I couldn’t compete. The ghost from the past that was haunting my future. THE Bethany.

You’d think she’d be able to just ask Chris whatever she wanted. Lord knows she texted, called, e-mailed, Skyped, and SnapChatted with him when he and I were together.

It’s only water under the bridge as long as the river doesn’t rise again.

Million Dollar Question

I’m asking everyone this question: Would you rather do the first 99% of a blow job or the last 1%?

I asked everyone in the group chat for my half-marathon racing boat. Nobody answered.

Me: NOBODY IS ANSWERING SO I WILL REPEAT SAID QUESTION TOMORROW MORNING! THE NEWS TEAM WILL BE THERE AND THEY’LL THINK WE’RE ALL WEIRD PERVERTS!

Some Baltimore news crew heard about our early morning workouts and wanted to do a piece on us; they chose tomorrow to record and chat with us.

Manisha: I’d do the first 99%. I’m not explaining why.

Danger Man: Yeah, first 99%

Dank Ass: Oh Dan…

Me: Does that mean you’d take the last 1%, Dank Ass?

Dank Ass: Yeah, right in the eye.

Me: I’d go 200%. Just so he knows the first time wasn’t an accident. This is some great team bonding.

I’m waiting on a few other responses. I’ll spring the question tomorrow morning, dark and early.

Misnomer

You’d think the Friend Zone would be nice, but all I found were enemies…

I broke it to him gently…


Now that I think about it, it’s probably nice to be in my Friend Zone. I dunno. I think I treat my friends pretty damned well. I’ve spent hundreds of dollars bailing a few out of jail (it’s always the same fucking ones), I let them shit in peace at my place (and I have soft toilet paper, mind you), and if one of them ever said, “Jess, I need your help. I can’t tell you what it is, you can never ask me about it later, and we’re gonna hurt some people,” I’d say the proper response: “…whose car are we gonna take?”

The line above is from The Town. I’m not clever enough to come up with that.