I went through a phase in my life when if I was ever asked to do something I didn’t particularly care for, I’d respond with, “I don’t wanna get pregnant.”
“Can you hang out?” I don’t wanna get pregnant.
“Why are you being an asshole?!” I don’t wanna get pregnant.
“Jess, come with me to the bathroom.” I don’t wanna get pregnant.
On Saturday someone asked me why I wasn’t drinking. I said I was pregnant. He gave me a funny look because I had TOTALLY been downing some potent mixed beverage called Agent Orange (active ingredients: everclear and Tang) just a little while before.
I really stopped drinking because my buddy Pat wanted to go hard with his buddies so I said I’d drive us back. I also found people doing cocaine in a back room and wanted to be in the right state of mind if one of the coke users went off the deep end.