Facebook Stalking: I Condone That Shit Now

I was at work last week when Alex (the little brother) came to visit me at work. He started fucking around on my Facebook and got the great idea of looking up Michael.

I think the average person, when he or she becomes friends with someone on Facebook, stalks the fuck outta the person he/she just friended. I do not because I would like for someone to return the courtesy to me and not see all the weird shit I post. Fat chance.

Anyhow, Alex went to town trying to find out who Michael is and what he’s all about. They’ve never met. I have a sneaking suspicion Alex wants to see who his big sis is spending her time with while Michael thinks Alex hates him; that’s not the case, though it’s a very conditional unhate. “I like him as long as you’re happy with him.”

I learned that when stalking you go straight for the photos; that’s exactly what the little bro did. “Hmmm, he doesn’t look like a serial killer in these. Tell him to change his profile picture. And when did you guys go kayaking…?”

“We didn’t.”

“Isn’t that you?”

I looked at the photo Alex had pulled up onto the screen. “Holy fucking shit. What in the blue fuck…?”

There was a girl in a kayak next to Michael, and she looked extraordinarily similar to me; the resemblance was so uncanny I actually thought the girl in the photo was me for a split second.

“She’s in a lot of his pictures… Is that his ex? OH MY GOD, THAT’S HIS EX AND SHE LOOKS LIKE A SHORTER, TANNER VERSION OF YOU!” Alex started to clap his hands and laugh uncontrollably. “I’m gonna shit myself! Hahaha!!!”

I’m gonna admit, I was a little freaked out. I looked away from the monitor for a split second to gather my thoughts. It was enough time for Alex to navigate to her page.

“Wow. She even went to University of Tampa… JUST LIKE YOU! And judging from their kayaking escapades, she also likes to row boats. This is the best shit that’s happened all week.”

I must’ve looked like a wreck because Alex went into “protective asshole” mode. “It’s probably not a big deal. I bet he just has a super specific type of girl he likes… And if you had stalked his ass as soon as you friended him you would’ve found out about this months ago. Considering how long you’ve been seeing each other you don’t need to entertain the idea that… you’re a rebound.”


Fuck it, man. Can’t be worried about that shit.

The Dude is my spirit guide.

I have more thoughts on the matter, but those are for another time.

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