Journal Entry

This is an excerpt from my old journal.

I am the unloved, the unwanted, the dispossessed, and the downtrodden. And my message is more sincere, more honest, and more real than anything you can offer. I’m living this life in real-time, but you are just tourists in my domain. And it is I who will inherit the earth. Not you. Me.

The fuck was I on?

Probably nothing because my handwriting was incredibly neat. Like my Scotch.

I’ve Got It Easy

“Hard times call for hard liquor.”

I didn’t drink anything though because my life isn’t fucking hard in the scheme of things. With the exception of a couple chronic medical conditions, I’m walking on sunshine. I don’t think my level of difficulty is even on the list:

Doom
I think these could double as levels of sex.

I’ve found that if I wake up thinking, “Today is gonna be fuckin’ awesome,” things typically go well.

If things happen to get rough, I like to go with, “Nut up and shut up.”

Netflix Brings People Together

I was watching Netflix this morning and yelled at my computer screen. When I’m left alone for extended periods of time, I interact with the actors like they’re real people. This is part of the reason why I binge watched House of Cards; Frank Underwood will occasionally speak back to me with pithy remarks about people he dislikes. We gossip all the time.

A student maintenance assistant must’ve been right outside my door when I hollered because he knocked on my door and asked if I was all right. I stayed quiet and didn’t answer because I was mighty embarrassed someone had heard my shenanigans. “IF YOU DON’T ANSWER IN THERE I’M CALLING THE COPS TO MAKE SURE YOU’RE NOT BEING MURDERED!”

I ran to the door, flung it open, and said,

There’s no need for that. I just… really like TV. I’m also on my second cup of coffee so there’s that to consider too.

What’re you watching to make you scream like that?!

Matt Murdock with his shirt off…

Who’s that?

DAREDEVIL!

Take a break. We’re watching the pilot.

I just spent the last 45 minutes watching Netflix with a stranger while having coffee in my pajamas. I hope he doesn’t get into trouble for playing hookie from work.

Jäger with the JAG Officer

I had a conversation with Michael a little while ago that reminded me of the talk I had with a military lawyer.

I was a power-hungry little booger in high school and wanted to pursue a career in politics, so I decided to seek out a lawyer for guidance. Naturally, the venue was a bar. With alcohol in our systems, the exchange plunged us into some crazy topics that I typically stay away from since my views seem to be far different from the majority’s. I don’t even post my radical opinions on this blog.

This man put everything on parade with no shame and expected the same of me. He asked me deep, self-searching questions that I found somewhat humiliating to answer. God have mercy on any witness he questions.

JAG Officer: This is why you’d make a terrible politician.

Me: Why?

JAG Officer: Because you wouldn’t make promises you can’t keep.

Me: I think that’s a good thing.

JAG Officer: Maybe for others. Personally, I like to see people like you maim themselves with their own principles and morals. It’s always a real treat to see the mighty fall.

Me: Well at least I don’t mix my Jäger with anything! You’re a monster!

I think it’s safe to say my interpretation of right and wrong may be a bit looser than what they were back in high school.

I’d lie, cheat, and steal if the price was fitting and to my liking. It would have to be worth the sleep I’d lose at night…

But I still don’t mix my Jäger unless if it’s to make Jägerbombs, for when I have a death wish. Savages.

Adieu

Do you ever just spend time with a person and everything’s good and then one day he does or says something that casts a different light on everything? Like he smiles, shakes his head, laughs, and says, “What?!” or pulls you close while you’re pretending to be asleep and lightly runs his fingers down your side and you think,

“Oh no. No, no, no, no. I’m not allowed to feel like this.”


I’ve liked you for a very long while now, but I think it’s time that I distance myself. It’s like window shopping. I can see you, but there’s a glass wall between us. One day a girl will fall in love with you and you’ll love her back. The stars will align, but I’ll be in the darkness. She’ll shatter the glass that separated us and you’ll be happy with her, happier than you’ve ever been with me. It’ll break me; I’ll crash to the floor and fall into a thousand pieces.

It’s gotten to the point where the pain of not seeing you again is shadowed by the pain of your never wanting me. So I’m leaving before I die while watching you hold another.

I think you either love someone forever or you never loved him at all.

So when I shatter, please, take a shard of me and keep it with you forever.

Because I love you.

In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.

-Buddha