The Clouds Have Cleared

I feel good. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt nice. I’ve been anxious and mopey, and my friends have been there keeping my head above the water.

Anyhow… I had dinner with Michael last night. Things worked out better than I had hoped. It wasn’t awkward. I enjoyed his company; he seemed to enjoy mine.

I don’t want to dissect the situation too much, but here’s the gist:

  • I said I knew he wasn’t ready for a relationship, but asked if we could continue to have sex; he said it seemed like a bad idea. No more sex. He said he didn’t want to lead me on and that he had had a bad experience with a similar scenario. I was surprised. The sex had been good (he said it himself), but here he was saying no to it.
  • He implied he liked spending time with me (hence the no sex and potentially making shit awkward) and left the possibility open for future hang outs. He said he might show up randomly but ,again, didn’t want to lead me on. I’m not entirely sure what that means. I’m worried he’s going to ghost me.

It’s the not knowing if he’s just “letting me down softly” that kills me. As Maximus Decimus Meridius said, “A soldier has the advantage of being able to look his enemy in the eye.” Not that Michael is an enemy. I just like it when people are direct with me so I know what’s coming and can plan accordingly.

I have an uncanny ability to compartmentalize and cut ties. I don’t burn bridges; I blow them up. It’d be a lot easier on me if he just said “I don’t like you and don’t want to see you again,” instead of letting me hope he might want to kick it some time when he really doesn’t. I think false hope is devastating. As One Republic said in Counting Stars, “Hope is a four letter word.” Like fuck.

In the meanwhile, I want to hang onto this.

I’m happy… Happy is a five letter word.

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