April Fools

I work at my university’s gym. I’ve been telling people that they have holds on their accounts when I swipe their cards and are not allowed to use the facilities until they clear the holds… AND THEN YELLING “APRIL [FUCKING] FOOLS!

Just now there was a couple at the front desk. You know the type: super lovey dovey, hands all over, dry humping each other… whatever man.

The dude said, “I love you,” to his girl before he went into the gym. I yelled, “APRIL FOOLS!” They both looked at me as if I had just dropped kicked a baby and then wiped my ass on the floor, so I said, “But I love you, girl… HA! APRIL FOOLS AGAIN!

I don’t know how I’ve survived this long as an asshole.

One day there’ll be a robbery or something and a dude’ll have a gun in my face and I’ll say a stupid joke and that’s how my life will end.

It’s beautiful outside though, so if that happens today I can’t complain too much.

It’s a good day to die.

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