A Tell All

This post scares me. It may seem silly to you, but for the time being, this matter is important to me.

As of late, I find my Dirty Laundry posts a little unsettling. I feel like I’m cheating on the guy I’m currently seeing.

And then this thought hits me: You might be nothing to him. You can’t cheat because you’re nothing.

Perhaps “nothing” is too harsh. A more accurate statement: You might be a placeholder until someone better comes along. Shit, that’s not much better actually.

It’s been eating at me for a few days now. Am I slipping into the friends with benefits territory? Am I already there? I really hope he’s just taking his time with me, making sure we’re good for each other.

It’s the not knowing that’s killing me. Do I need to jump ship and stop wasting time, or have I found a person I feel safe and comfortable with? It’s been such a very long time since I’ve felt that way. I’d like to think maybe I’m an all right enough person to be… “number one?”. Likable enough to keep around…? I dunno. It’s difficult writing these things because I feel I don’t deserve them.

My previous boyfriend was hung up on his ex. I was always second best, and it REALLY fucked me up. Everything I did she could do better in his eyes. It seemed like I would never be seen; I was drowning while he described the water. I called things off because I couldn’t handle being second best all the time for the person I cared about. He said he was sad, but I question the honesty of his words. I truly hope he gets back with her someday. Personally, I hate re-runs.

I guess I want to have the dreadful “talk,” and I’m scared shitless because it seems like I’m gonna lose him.

I want to post this, but I know he reads my blog. It’s currently 8:34 PM on March 22nd. I’ll schedule this for… noon on Saturday, the 27th. I reckon if I’m not too chicken shit, I’ll have had the conversation with him. Updates to follow (read as: I’ll either be happy or inconsolably sad). For me, no news is bad news.

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