The Pisser

It’s about 0400 and I’m fucking exhausted, but I can’t sleep because I have a fucking UTI. For those unfamiliar with the acronym, that’s a urinary tract infection. It’s when bacteria creep up your pee hole and decide to fuck shit up by making you feel like you have to pee every ten seconds when next to nothing trickles out. If this is what senior citizenry is like, then I’m gonna jump off a bridge at the age of 60.

Silver lining: I do not have any burning sensations which apparently is a symptom many people have, according to Google. It’s bad enough running to the toilet every 10 minutes (no exaggeration here; I see hemorrhoids in my future), but if I was pissing razor blades every time, I’d probably jump off a bridge at the age of 24. Unfortunately my urine is showing traces of blood and since my health insurance is kinda tied up, it’s time to MacGyver this shit because I’m not gonna die any poorer than I already am, damn it!

I’m drinking an ass ton of water. And self medicating on some antibiotics I have in my medicine cabinet… Please, Please, PLEASE just make the urge to pee go away, Medicine God! I took the first round of drugs a little after midnight. Hopefully they kick in soon. I would sacrifice my uterus for some peace and sleep. Looking at the side effects of the meds I just ingested, my lady bits are about the only things that won’t potentially be affected. I can look forward to indigestion, tendon and muscle swelling, arthritis, nerve damage, rash, peeling skin, anxiety… OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I JUST TAKEN?! Ready for the big ride, baby!

Oh, but the plot thickens SO much more. I have a man sleeping in my bed without me because I keep squirming away to the pisser. He’s quite the cuddler… BUT I CAN’T ENJOY THAT SHIT BECAUSE OF PEE PEE NEEDS! I’m sitting on the sofa in the living room, and I closed the door to my bedroom so he could get some rest without me getting up every few minutes with the roar of an industrial toilet. It’s cold on my couch, it’s warm in his arms, and god hates me. Well, I hate it when people can hear me peeing so this situation blows the big one.

I bet this UTI was a sign from some sick supreme being to not fool around with Cuddle-kins… I’m livid. And tired. And have to pee.

Update: I think the drugs are working. I don’t feel like I have to pee as badly. Or maybe I’ve pissed myself without knowing.

One thought on “The Pisser

  1. Oh, and also, next time you get one you can get these AMAZING, LIFE-SAVING things that will take away your urge to pee from any drug store… it’s called Uri-Calm. It takes away the false sensation that you have to pee. It will turn everything bright orange, but it’s worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

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