I don’t know why people don’t say what they want to convey. They pussyfoot around the subject, leaving vague hints as to what’s rolling around in their heads. It’s stupid, and it makes us straight-shooters adopt idiotic practices of guessing, assuming, postulating, and taking leaps of faith that usually lead to very long drops with sharp objects at the bottom. I like speaking my mind (hence the somewhat anonymous blog), but damn I have to weigh the perils before I open my trap or risk becoming a social leper. I’m a slave to bourgeois norms…that means instead of sticking it to the man, I’m sucking him off. I suppose it’s fitting what with my being gagged and all. Hahaha~
Anyway. I fucked up last night. Here’s the quick and dirty: I went to a friend’s grad party. I told her I might leave early to hang with a guy. The party entourage went to a bar (I’m on the wagon so I found myself looking at the male bar patrons to see if I had matched any on Tinder; there were a few and I even chatted with one while I waited in line to go pee), everyone wanted to go dancing (oh god, no!), I left early with two other friends (I dance like a stripper whose rent is due on Tuesday… but only when I’m so drunk I go blind). Aside: I should mention that I hadn’t hung out with my freshly-graduated friend for a long while, and I had said she could spend the night at my place. I know, I know; bad Jessica. I went back on my word and that’s a shitty, dishonorable thing to do. *Cue Cher’s If I Could Turn Back Time.*
But here’s where shit gets a little more twisted: she said I could leave. I told her I could hide my apartment keys in the bushes next to my place so she could let herself in. She said it was all right, and that she’d stop drinking after we left the bar and just drive herself home. Everything is okay, right? No. NO NO NO! EVERYTHING IS WRONG! Apparently, when she said I could leave that really meant, “Please don’t go. Stay with me. Hang out with me.” WHY COULDN’T SHE JUST SAY THAT?! Woman-Speak, at least this dialect, is a language I am not well-versed in. Or maybe I’m just socially retarded and should know these things. This hearkens back to a conversation I had about people saying “I want you to want to do it.” What the fuck IS that? Bullshit, high (if not impossible) standards.
The fall out: she said she doesn’t want to be friends with someone who ditches her for a guy. My defense: I wouldn’t have gone if I hadn’t been given explicit permission to go. I’m actually pretty fucked up about this turn of events. I should’ve seen it coming (fucking Asian slanty eyes!). I didn’t think the repercussions would be so great. I value her friendship very much, and I would do things differently if I could. But as my Uncle Brian says, “If ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ were candy and nuts we’d all have a merry fucking Christmas.”
Silver linings: fucking like I’m an endangered species, coffee shop latte, antique and book boutique, interesting people with beautiful minds, The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. These things make me as happy as a bird with a french fry.