First Impressions

I’m not paying attention to the way you speak, dress, or walk until I make an educated guess of two things: could I kick your ass in a fist fight and how well can you perform in the bedroom.

I’ve often wondered if I’m the only person whose mind works in this fashion. Do I have a stronger link to our ape-like ancestors? Shit, I hope not. That would imply I’m an idiot… And have a jutting brow with crazy amounts of body hair (I lack both and would allow embarrassingly close inspections to defend my honor). I’d like to think that I’m just naturally ready to survive a shit storm. I’m cocked, locked, and ready to rock. Wanna throw down? I’ll feed you your own teeth, bastard! As for the fucking bit… I guess that has to do with my subconscious need to pass on genes with an alpha male. Or I’m just a pervert. I often find that when I’m speaking with a girlfriend about the latest man she’s bedded I think “But did he have a big dick? How is this not the first thing you bring up?” Anyway…

Working in the weight room of my gym gives me plenty of people to judge. With the exception of the twiggy fuck sticks just beginning their journeys of MAKIN’ GAINZ! most of my patrons could grind my bones into meal or sodomize me with a removable lap pull down bar. The curved one that’s ergonomically easy on your hands and improves grip strength. No contest here. I better stay on the porch because I can’t run with the big dogs.

Imagining sex is the tricky part. As anyone who has lifted with a bunch of jocks knows, people make crazy grunts, groans, moans, or (my personal favorite) screams. Yeah, I imagine these guys making those sounds while they’re pumping away on top of their significant others. And it makes me laugh my ass off. There’s a guy who hisses when he does deadlifts. I have to busy myself with re-racking weights or piss myself with laughter. I mean, can you imagine? “Babe, I’m coming!” hiss hiss hiss hissssss

The lady patrons. All of them are tops and will punch you in the nose if you hold eye contact for too long during coitus. There’s one girl who works out with about six dudes. I bet she fancies bukake. And could suck the chrome off any dude’s pipe. My inner Cro Magnon says I should be jealous of her sexual prowess. HAHAHAHA!!! …okay maybe I’m a little threatened, but I’m not ready to up my game THAT much. Thank god I have personality.

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