Care

I hate when the past comes a-knockin’.

He said he cares about me.

He should buy a plant and take care of that instead.

If how he treated me is indicative of how he’ll take care of the plant… shit, might as well put that leafy green in tonight’s supper because eating it would be a mercy killing.

Anyway, I blocked him on everything so he can’t rob me of my dignity anymore. And I have a sneaking suspicion this’ll be my last blog post since that fucker knows the URL, and I want to be rid of him.

He can go rot.

It’s Been a While, WordPress

As the title implies, holy hell I’ve been absent for quite some time. Ummm… I reckon I might need to do a quick recap on my life, but that will come shortly and probably in mini-episodes as I have to think about over a year’s worth of events.

Why the sudden reappearance? Well, I recently celebrated my 28th birthday and I decided to do a “birthday resolution.” I figured writing again would help keep my brain running as smoothly as possible, and it would serve as a place to store memories should I ever go crazy and lose them (that is a semi-possible way my life can go).

I currently work as a Korean interpreter and have two pediatric appointments tomorrow  morning (one for the ENT surgical unit and the other for nephrology); I have my stage four lung cancer patient in the afternoon. I should probably head to bed since I now have some semblance of responsibility in my life. And my boyfriend also is calling for me to come to bed too.

Ah yes, I also managed to find a nice guy who thought I was cool enough to date (we’ve been together for over a year now). I’m sure I’ll write about him plenty~

It’s nice to be back. I suppose I should re-download the WordPress app on my phone to keep me busy while waiting in hospital rooms. It certainly beats watching  “The View.” How the hell is that mess running in EVERY waiting room?! Fuck me! That shit is always around me like a gypsy fucking curse.


The real reason I’m back:

Writing keeps my mental health in check. I go ape shit when I don’t have a place to vent. One can imagine how I’ve fared over the last year…

I’ve been okay because I have skin thicker than a catcher’s mitt. 

He Took My Advice

You should try to actually date someone, not just fuck ’em.

Women always disappoint.

The fuck you say?

Not you, Fizz. No disappointments from you. Not ever.

You should give someone a chance anyway. And you’re not going to do that while having a drink with me.

And then he asked me to marry him. He used my own advice against me.

I told him that I’m happy with Kris. That I love him dearly. I saw my words crumple his already trampled heart.

I left him at the bar. This was a wound I wouldn’t be able to help him heal.

I’m a fool for hoping that we can still be friends.

This world is not for the weak or kind.

Fortunately, Zach is neither of those things.

Shit Balls and Sharpie

I left work early today after a phone call from my doctor. I made some calls myself to a few people. As per usual, Zach came in clutch.

Me: I mean… Yikes.

Zach: That’s a nice way of putting it. This might warrant a “holy fucking shit balls,” Jess.

Me: Thanks, asshole.

Zach: Eh, some things change. You and me? We’re constants. I’ll Sharpie your face in every bathroom stall to keep you around. I can look at you while I shit, and it don’t get much realer than that, sweetness. Now dry your eyeballs. You might look cute when you’re pissed, but you look damned pathetic when you’re belly achin’… stop that shit.

He turned away to look out the bar’s window.

I’m pretty sure I saw tears welling in his eyes. Fuck, this shit is getting too real.

I ordered two more shots. They took the edge off and put a fire back in my belly. And then I went home from the bar to cry some more and write this post.

Update

I know I haven’t written much in the past month or so, but there are very good reasons for this, I think.

This is a good summation of my adult life right now:

Once I get in the writing mood, renew my subscription to WordPress, and get a better hold of my shit, I’ll get to writing a bit of an update.

It’s a good thing I’m rather difficult to kill.

Guilt for the Wicked

I hurt someone today. I broke his heart. He came over and told me he loved me, to give him another chance.

I said I hate him, that he had fucked up. That’s a lie. I said that so he could get over me quickly. So he wouldn’t miss me when I’m not there to wrap my arms around him while he sleeps or kiss his cheek to wake him up.

This couldn’t have happened at a worse time. His grandmother is dying. Considering he’s never met his father (let alone knows who he is) and his mother died when he was nine, his grandma is damned important to him. And you hurt him even more, Jess.

ARGH! Why do I feel this much guilt?! He really did fuck up. I don’t like him like that anymore… Shit, I’m getting soft. I used to hurt people for a living. I never lost any sleep over it. Now I tell a guy I don’t like him anymore and I feel like a hippo is wiping its ass on my chest. Time to move on, Fizz. You’ve felt sorry for yourself long enough. He should feel bad, not you.

Onward and downward, I guess.

Take It Back

Jesus Christ, this Sunday was fucking weird. I don’t even know if I quite understand what the hell happened.

I had been dating this auto mechanic for about two months. It wasn’t anything serious as we both had pretty busy schedules. We had a few dates and goofed off together, and he sent me good morning and good night text messages, never pressured me for sex, and pretty much treated me like a pretty, pretty princess.

Then he cut off all contact.

I was super fucking worried about him, but when he wouldn’t answer or return my calls, I cut my losses. After the shit show with Michael, I’ve become very good at ridding myself of people who hurt me.

Well, yesterday he texted me explaining how his grandmother was in hospice, he had torn his shoulder, and just wasn’t in a good place hence the radio silence.

And then he asked me to marry him.

Fuck. How the hell do I tell him I wrote him off?

I’m hoping he just had a mental break what with all the crap going on in his life and that he’ll pull a takesies backsies with that proposal.